Rant of a Sucky Person

I’ve not ever used my blog to vent. I am mostly upbeat, positive and happy.   But recently, I’ve been really bummed.  People who know me best know I rarely get discouraged.  I’ve been called “the eternal optimist” by more people than I can count.  I always think things will be better the next day, or the next week, or the next month.  I always see the glass as half full.  I am usually positive both for myself and for my friends.  I naturally keep my chin up.  I rarely complain about the pain I am in from my accident or about difficult situations.  I look for the good in both people and situations and keep rolling.  I find the positive in every situation.  Anyone who knows me well, knows this true about me.

But recently, maybe because of the up and coming Christmas season, I’ve been, for lack of a better word, discouraged.  Not depressed.  Just discouraged. 

Let me start at the beginning.  Those of you who follow my blog know I had a serious accident.  After this accident, I had to relearn parts of everything.  I had to relearn how sit without falling over to one side, how to get a fork to my mouth without hitting my face and spilling the food.  I had to relearn to eat and drink without choking. I had to relearn bowel and bladder control like an infant (tmi, I know).  I had to relearn how to button my shirt and tie my shoes.  I had to relearn how to communicate with others and make myself understood.  I had to relearn names for some objects.  I had to, and am still relearning to, walk.  I do ok in small areas, but larger areas with open spaces, or even smaller ones with people moving around cause me to become extremely unbalanced.  In other words – I lost a lot.  Although  I have relearned most things, I am still working, and will be for the rest of my life, to regain what I lost.

In the process, I lost my livelihood, which I loved.

Not long after my accident, I lost my father to an serious accident of his own.  He was my best friend.

I lost my home.  It was the very first home I had purchased on my own as an adult.

Another thing that is happening, is this.  I have 4-5 spanking friends who I’ve spoken with both online, on the phone, partied with on several occasions, some for at least 2 years, and others for over 3 years.   But suddenly they will not speak to me.  We usually spoke, even if briefly, online once a month or twice a month.  For the past 5-6 months (and some a little longer), they have neither answered me nor been visible.  But I know they are online because so many of my friends say “have you seen so and so’s status message – it’s hilarious”.  Or “have you seen so and so’s avatar pic – it’s cute”  or are you talking with so and so.  So I know they are around.  It’s just that I'm not included anymore.  Which really hurts.  I mean, it would be different if we had not communicated but for a short time.  But it’s been over 2-3 years that we’ve held different forms of communication, depending on the person I am referring to – and now suddenly, without explanation, NO communication.  It’s like I’ve been eliminated.  Charged, tried, and convicted with no explanation.  But of what?  Wtf did I do?  Why won't someone say something?  So that hurts.  Even though we weren’t extremely close, we did communicate in some form with some form of regularity - and I really enjoyed getting to know them a little - and I thought they sort of enjoyed me a little.   Our communications lasted in regular intervals over a period of 2-3 plus years.  The thing is, no one will even give me the courtesy of saying, “your breath stinks, I don’t like the way you handled such and such so I don’t want to be your friend or chat anymore, you aren’t cute enough, you aren’t witty enough, your butt is too fat, whatever”.  But telling the truth is so much less painful than silence.  But it is silent.  Very silent.  At least for now.  I guess I don’t have what it takes in the spanko department either.  I was afraid I might not.  It appears I might have been correct.  I mean, maybe my mind is making up all kinds of things as to “why” because of the stress I am in - caring for an elderly mom while working on improving my own disabilities, plus staving off my raving lunatic of a brother.  But for someone to chat with you once or twice a month for several years, and to party with you on rare occasions, and/or ask you to come live in a duplex that’s coming available next door to them – and then suddenly stop all communications and not answer – yet still be actively communicating with the other same friends – something has to have happened.  Normally I couldn't care less. Yet they make it clear they want no form of communication with me anymore, with no explanation. It makes me feel insecure and unwanted.   It's not like we only spoke on my spanking alias either.  All 4 of them know my real name, my real phone number, where I live, etc....  So that’s another thing I have lost - or at least 5 months OR more with zero communication makes it FEEL like I've lost their friendship.  Spanking friends who lost interest in me, yet won’t tell me what I did wrong.  I put value on friendship before spanking – so being shunned is – well – it hurts.

At the moment, all the fears that you have pre-spanking party (and now I’m REALLY thinking of backing out of going to the BWB in Atlantic City, even though I am registered, because all my fears seem to be true): no one will really like me, no one will want to spank me, no one will really want to even talk to me,  if  someone does spank me it will be because they feel sorry for me, I’m too ugly, I’m too fat, I'm not witty enough, no one will really want to be my friend or hang out with me and if they do, I'll just be in the way and tagging along – are rolling through my head at an alarming pace… not just in my spanking world, but in my vanilla one as well.   I know, I know – it sounds like I’m being a drama queen.  But really.  I’m not.  I never think like this except in the rarest occasions (and right before a spanking party, ha ha).  I so very rarely get discouraged, which is why my doctors say I improved so well after an injury I was not supposed to improve from.  But, at the moment, I am VERY discouraged.   I would never make a huge deal over it all, but it would be nice to know what I did or what happened, no matter how painful to hear.  Knowing the truth is much less painful than the silence of being shunned. And I am most definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, being shunned at the moment - and by those I really enjoyed hanging out with and respected...more than one spankee and more than one spanker. But I honestly don't know what I did.  I wish someone would break the silence and just say what I did that was so offensive. I guess this amounts to several more losses in a long stream over the last couple of years.

In addition, my brother has recently decided that I am stealing the family money from my mother.  Only there is no money whatsoever.  When my father died, he left a modest stipend to my mother.  That was used to bury him and to help her get situated (barely) to live without him.  That modest amount of money is gone.  I live with my elderly mother and I pay the house payment and some of the bills.  She is forgetful and frail and has a Social Security income of barely over $700 a month.  She has no savings and really is in no position to be working.  I am on a disability income myself, but also have retirement from my job, which helps us make ends meet.  But somehow, my brother has decided there is an inheritance, I have stolen it, and I am manipulating my mother into giving it all to me and leaving him out of the family fortune. (I even sat down with him and told him we BOTH were struggling, and could he help.  His reply was that it was my job to support my mom as he has a wife and 5 kids to support...even though both he and his wife work, and me and my mom are both on social security.)   Where he got this idea that there is a family fortune, no one has any idea.  Our family has never been rich  But I am supposedly stealing money from my mom, whose income is around $700 a month, and because I am supposedly doing this, there will supposedly be none left for him when she dies.    THEREFORE, I am not allowed to ever see his kids again.  Ever.  Until I get help for taking advantage of my mom.  My mother is welcome anytime to see the kids.  I am not.  So I’ve lost the chance to see my nieces and nephews grow up and to have an “auntly” input into their lives.  My other brother (I have 2) thinks this brother might have started using drugs again.  I'm thinking that might be the case as well.)

This Christmas, I have encouraged my mom to go see the kids for Christmas, even though it will mean I am alone for the holiday.  Kids that age need their grandmother at Christmas.  I loved seeing my grandparents at Christmas growing up, and they should have the same opportunity, even if I am not allowed to be involved… because I am supposedly stealing from my mother, and therefore him.  My other brother (the good egg) and his kids and family are traveling out of state to his wife’s family for the holidays.  Therefore, they will not be around either.  So I’m packing my mom up and taking her to the airport tomorrow so she can spend some quality time with her grandchildren over the holidays.  I’ve basically lost out on family for Christmas.  But it’s worth it for the kids to have their Grandma there with them and the build those special Christmas memories that will give them joy for the rest of their lives.

In summary, I’ve lost a lot since my accident: 
motor skills,
livelihood,
a parent,
several friends lost to cancer,
a couple of animals,
my first purchased home,
more than one of my spanking friends, to some undefined, unspoken reason that I have no idea what it is,
nieces and nephews,
to name a few. 

Yet, I’ve always managed to keep going, managed to keep a smile on my face, managed to have fun and enjoy life, managed to move forward and not look back, managed to make lemonade out of lemons despite all I’ve lost.  That is until now.  But now I am thinking to myself:  For the spanking community to start shunning you, you have to be pretty sucky. Spanking people are so tolerant for the most part. Knowing how tolerant they are got me to thinking about all this and caused me to start seeing the light –  maybe I really am a sucky person and I’ve been ignoring it all along, trying to fit in - and I never will.  I just wish I knew what I was doing so I could be a little less sucky and a little more accepted.

Oh well.  That is my rant.  I know.  I know.  I'm prolly blowing everything out of proportion and reading things into it all that arent' there.  I really don't want to make a problem where there is none.  But right now, I'm so discouraged, I can't help it.  I'm whining.  I'm sorry.  I realize the rest of my friends might make a run for it after reading this long, paranoid unlike-me vent. :(   (Or maybe I was fooling myself and never really had any spanking friends at all.)  And I'm really not blasting anyone.  I'm just stating how I feel based on my current perceptions.  Maybe it's my brother being a dick head.  Maybe it's the Christmas season and knowing I will be alone.   I rarely get this discouraged.  As you can see from my blog, I’ve never, ever ranted like this.  And I prolly never will again.  It is foreign to me to feel like this.  It totally sucks.

Hopefully by tomorrow I will wake up on the good side of the bed, maybe figure out what I did wrong to cause so many spanking people I considered to be friends, or at least really good acquaintances with the makings of a friend, to discard me all at the same time (and maybe make amends if that is possible as I honestly have no clue what I did).  Maybe my brother will see that there really IS no money in our household, and that I'm not holding my mother hostage against her will, etc.etc etc....  Maybe I will not be discouraged tomorrow. 

If you've made it to the end of this and are still reading, you must be a saint.  Thanks.

Tomorrow will be better.  It has to be.